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One last struggle! (For the time being)

Hi guys, graduation, muck up day and junior day has passed amidst many tears of joy and sadness (as well as an overload of bromance!)

But i don't have time for a very long post so what I'm going to do is say:


STUDY HARD EDDY. ONE MORE LAP TO GO!!!

Tech 2011

Graduating today. I don't know how to feel :) This may just be the last post I post as a high school student (In a sense). All in all, I love high school. Am going to miss it very much. Toodles.

Syndicate

Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Baby don't forget
You haven't lost it all yet

It's over but in a way it's just begun

Whether you do bad or good, the experience is nonetheless unpleasant. Quite obviously, you'd want to be in the latter side - that is, to do good. But it's also about having people falsely claim that you are a genius when you aren't. And it's about false praise and admiration that just amounts pressure on somebody. But I'm not here to talk about success today. Again, I've found myself in the unpleasant situation of having flunked an exam - this time the oh beloved 4Unit mathematics.

In a sense it was predictable, but I am greatly disappointed nonetheless. I didn't think I'd exactly do that bad. I knew I didn't do well, but not that bad either. And it is depressing. And it is sad. And half the reason is all the publicity that goes about when somebody screws up an exam. For some reason I give the impression that I am an extremely competent student hence when people tell me "oh..you must've done so well" i tell them i "failed" (when in fact I truly did) and they kid about it as though I were joking. And that just kills. It's just ouch. It's extremely annoying but and it's something that I have of yet to become accustomed to in this selective school warzone. Argh. And it was the trials as well! The oh-mighty trials! I don't know anymore. On one side I just want to beat my face in and cry my heart out but the other tries to put things in perspectives and think hey no biggie 4Unit maths is meant to be hard. But something about doing worser than you hoped just really pierces your confidence. I just hope I don't have the same unpleasant experience with my other exams, or else I really don't know what to think or do with myself anymore.

And in a sense, it's all just begun. My first exam returned to me, with very undesirable results. People are going to start spreading their marks like wildfire tomorrow, and then they are going to ask me. And i do'nt want to tell them. It's shameful. Sigh. I just wish it'd all be over already.

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Satisfaction/Dissatisfaction

The closer I get to the end of Year 12, the more I come to define my personal definition of failure and success. With the stress piling up, and with my mega-competitive peers, it's sometimes really hard to put things into perspective. There's too often a clash of definition of failure and success, and all too often is modesty or arrogance thrown in between the climatic clash.

I guess to me failure is doing worse than what I would have wanted or expected (a reasonable expectation mind you). Failure is one of the most terrible feelings I have come to feel during my Year 12 experience. Having finished a test feeling like crap and knowing that you are going to do badly isn't almost as bad as thinking you did okay but suddenly failing. I can't cope well with these things. I admit, I'm selfish, excessively naive and idealistic. It is often expected that a certain amount of failure will result in the motivation to succeed, but lately I feel as though it had exceeded this relationship and gone for the inverse instead. I tend to brood over it for a certain amount of time, and i'll react too slowly to ignite this sadness/disappointment into motivation. All too often do i sit on the bus, or lie in bed, contemplating, slowly, my chances, and then slipping into a depressing enigma for the rest of the day/night. The effects are that noticeable. To take a recent example, my maths exam was beyond unbelievable, in that I failed my expectations and am condemned to indirect mockery from my peers. Even closer to home was the most recent Chemistry exam, of which i do not go tutoring for, acting as an obvious impediment in comparison to some of those cocky bastards that do. Its depressing to know that you're going to terrible, and you more than anything to re-do those exams. It's even more depressing when others do better than you, and before that they were saying that the definitely do worse as well.

On the other hand, success is something that I feel as though I achieve little. In my mind, success is doing well in comparison to my peers, and at times exceeding or keeping close to my expectations. Success is one of the most best feelings that one can temporary feel. I need a moment of success again. The only disadvantages of success is the title bestowed upon you just because you succeeded in one subject, when in truth, and you know it yourself, you are anything but the genius people claim you to be. The moment you do well, word spreads like wildfire, and people you don't even know start admiring you, and that's all and fine and everything, but what of the others? Like me at times, left in the backdrop, unadmired and unmentioned - superfluous in this smart (and at times prodigal) school. I don't know how I succeed. Sometimes there is the OCD sensation that comes along after I succeed in an exam, and I try and do everything I did on that one exam that I succeeded on for the next. It doesn't work, obviously, but at least it gives me comfort in some way. Modesty is the key thing I love to preach. Arrogance is disgusting - despicable at times. How I wish greater success could come my way, but at such a time, it really does seem like wishful thinking.

There's nothing in particular that I want to express to you all today. Just hope terribly disappointed I feel about myself, even when i know I should be putting my sorrow into perspective. Why is it at times so hard?

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Self-interest

Time. Money. Friends. Future. Happiness

Are these not 5 things we seek to have plentiful in life? Are these not universally wanted things?

But how often do we get to achieve them all at once, and to what extent can we satisfy each of these desires, interrelations included and all? How do we choose to achieve these goals. Are we driven by self-interest, or are we driven by a genuine desire to make the most of things whilst attempting to make others happy? Are we lying to ourselves when we say we are unselfish and are doing things for the greater good - that is, not for yourself.

These are several things that have been bothering me. Like some existential-driven lust is mowing around my head, driving my thoughts, making me really think  that perhaps everything is futile.
 
What are we doing?Collapse )


But who doesn't? Who doesn't mould their personality to their own desires once every so often? Am I being too hard on myself as well? We all know that we act sometimes just to please others. You'd be lying if you said you weren't. Seriously. Being "true to thine self" has never been so hypocritical, or unbelievable.

Ah. A defence. Perhaps I am right. Maybe everybody else is just like me.

Then again, it could just be an excuse to make myself feel better.
 

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Mother's Day 2011

So my dearest mother, so cheerful and caring, emotional and responding, hyperactive yet stern when needed, how can I begin to put into words what I feel/want to say?

Today is mother's day, the day that all the world's children can appreciate the love that has been given to them by their parents or caretaker, whether it be directly or indirectly! I can't begin to talk about how much i love my mum because it will either end up in a super long embarrassing post that nobody wants to read or I'll end up crying since I'm such a softie. Nonetheless, I have a very special bond with my mother, it's this maternal bond and love that is so difficult to understand and appreciate. Which is why today is such an important day yes? I sure hope everybody did what they could to make their mum/carer happy! Anyway, since it's getting late and I'm in an especial mood to youtube some really old hits I'll just sum it up with my usual run-off-the-mill list of why I love my mum and all that. :)

My lovely mother, who I am so lucky to have, thank you for:
1. Doing all those things we spoilt children cannot/will not do
2. Teaching me what's wrong and right - I wouldn't be morally sound if it weren't for you
3. Being stern and motivating when needed
4. Caring and emotional - who in the family cannot admit that she keeps us all in place?
5. Doing those small yet ethereal things that allows me to feel proud of myself - something I hardly feel
6. Just being yourself. Selfish to say, but frank nonetheless, I admit, I can never have asked for a different/better mother. 

As always, I will try -no, I WILL do my best and unleash my potential this year. Why? To show my appreciation right? What better way to do so? Just watch me :) Hopefully I can keep up with my pledge.

Whether she understands how much I love her or not, I doubt she will fully ever understand. Its a pity that we can't get our full emotions/appreciation over to our mothers when we really want to! What happy lives all of us would live if we could do that to any generalized occasion hm? Food for thought. Until then~ :)
What's the most important lesson your mom taught you?


You can't always get what you want.

And if you do, expect it to come at a price. <3

Writer's Block: Friends of old

Do you have a childhood friend that you still think about and miss? What happened to him or her?

High School happened.
Farewell 4Unit English. Well, not yet. Soon to be though. Hopefully.

Yes I've decided to drop what potentially may have been my most favourite subject out of the dull 11 units that I'm doing right now - that is, in terms of flexibility and creativity required anyway. Why am i dropping this wonderfully flexible subject that I used to spend hours adorning over then? It was such a hard decision, but I've gone beyond the stage of contemplation, and have decided to take the final step to completion, which is to drop the subject (you knew that was coming).

First was the fact that I lacked confidence in being able to conjure up something that was expected to be so great. I first chose Extension II English in hopes of being able to do something myself. My love for it grew as I realised that there were things called "Showcase" which is basically a book published with the major works of good students. I had dreams. I wanted to be in that book. Something to have me remembered, but these dreams far under-weighed the aspect of fear and lack of confidence. The other reason why I loved it was that my best friend was doing it too, and a lot of intellectuals were doing it, and it was quite fun talking to them about it and learning about them along the way.

Yeah, I think i did well in the Viva Voce, where i was interviewed by two teachers about my idea. There was no criticisms to the idea at all, to be frank, rather suggestions. I don't want to brag, but I think I did better than I expected. I seriously thought at the time that I'd probably be doing a major work, and actually be continuing along the course.

I have not yet talked about the downside of this heavenly subject. Well, it was to my despair that I had one of the most scariest of teachers, notorious for her hate of maths and her brandishing of linguistic chaos upon the poor victim that happened to befall upon her grasp. I'm not so far away myself I think, which is why I post this as some sort of memoir before I get killed verbally tomorrow. I'm so frightened. I know the worst that could possibly happen would be at most a whipping at the ear or insults by her educated mouth but I fear that so much. How am I to survive in the future in the cruel adult world?

Yes, the lack of confidence. Once school started, I knew something had to be done. I would lay in my bed, and would seriously think "I just can't do this anymore". The fact remained that there was a 6000-8000 word creative writing to be done, and it just happened that I was doing 4Unit maths as well. What the hell was I thinking? Was I blinded by my enthusiasm and love for English that I'm doing, what arguably could be, the two most hardest subjects in the history of the HSC? Moreover I would have sleepless nights, and have nightmares, mostly of the HSC related sort, but sometimes of the limitless horrors that I would experience when I gave in an inadequate draft of some sort. I just can't do this anymore. I need as less drag on my steam boat to succeed in the HSC, which is what I most definitely want to do.

I don't think I can go on longer before I drop into a depression filled state; that of which most feared by HSC succeeding hopefuls during their final year of high school.

So I'm hopefully dropping it tomorrow. I want it to be as quick and painless as possible, with no repercussions, but except and most probably the deep regrets of not completing something. Oh, and I guess the shame of being a coward and not really doing anything, but hey, I'm a teenager still aren't I? I'm freaked out as heck because I know she will most probably interrogate me about my decision and then slaughter me on the bounds on which I make this decision. If there's someone out there (ironically, I'm calling for a miracle from a god, when my idea was a religious satire), make it as clean and painless as possible. No interrogations. No questions. Just a simple signature and a bye. Please.

God I feel so terribly cowardly right now.

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